How Far I've Come
I keep a diary and have done since I was about twelve but over the years the reasoning for writing and the contents of my diary have changed drastically.
Back when I began writing to my diary (Yes, I write as if its a collection of letters to 'Diary'. Yes it starts with 'Dear Diary'. No, I was not an inventive twelve year old.) I needed an outlet for all the thoughts inside my head which i just couldn't voice aloud to anyone in my life. I've suffered with symptoms of mental illnesses such as Depression since I was 9 and as it worsened and I began to realise that something was wrong I decided to keep it entirely to myself, not telling anybody close to me. So, I told my diary.
It allowed me to have a place where I could feel like I wasn't so alone yet there was absolutely no fear of judgement or someone saying the wrong thing and making it worse. In the darkest deepest times of my life when I just needed a friend I felt like I had someone within the pages of this little notebook next to my bed. I don't look back through my old diaries - the contents are extremely dark and I'm not yet ready to look back on what was going through my brain. But I no longer need my diary for this anymore.
While the contents of my diaries used to be my wishing for something to change, wishing to wake up and feel like there's not this cloud over my head or wishing for an extreme way out of my pain, the contents of my diary recently have been the opposite.
I've filled the pages of my diary with tales of University, friends and family, budding relationships, amazing opportunities I've been presented with and more. I'm able to say how happy I am, how amazing life is and how glad I am that I didn't go through with the things my 12 year old self wanted to do.
If only I could go back and tell that girl that no matter what, it WILL get better, no matter how dark and how much it feels like it won't ever change there will be a day where you look back and say 'I'm out of that now. I'm in a much better place.'
If you are reading this and you relate to what I'm saying, please please talk to somebody in your life about it.
I know its difficult, believe me. I waited until I was 14 and my mum came to me saying she thinks there's something wrong and I need help but I should have gone to her two years prior to that when I first began thinking such horrific thoughts. If you're under 18 you can tell a parent, ring and make a doctors appointment, tell a teacher or anything. Trust me, it will get better once you start talking.
It's amazing looking back and realising how far I've come. I've just finished my first year of University where I've made more friends than I knew were possible. I played my first lead role with the Opera Society and I've been able to find a faith that works for me (more on that soon).
I've been able to be happy.
Don't get me wrong there are still some horrible days where life is just so dark, but due to amazing friends and family and a good support system in place I can now face whatever happens and take it easy. The life I'm living now I truly never thought was possible, but I promise you, IT WILL GET BETTER.
All my love <3
IF YOU RELATE TO THE THINGS I'VE MENTIONED HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO PLACES THAT CAN HELP (uk mainly but wherever you are there are people that can help):
SAMARITANS: Suicide Helpline
https://www.samaritans.org/ Or Call: 116 123
NHS 111: Non-emergency Medical Help. MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE JUST AS WORTHY AND DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO CALL FOR MENTAL HEALTH REASONS (i have before)
https://111.nhs.uk/ Or Call: 111
MIND: Mental Health Charity - full of helpful information on anything from classifications to living with a mental health disorder
https://www.mind.org.uk/
I intend to in the future compile a list of helplines, I would appreciate knowing any that have helped you and that might be able to help others.
Back when I began writing to my diary (Yes, I write as if its a collection of letters to 'Diary'. Yes it starts with 'Dear Diary'. No, I was not an inventive twelve year old.) I needed an outlet for all the thoughts inside my head which i just couldn't voice aloud to anyone in my life. I've suffered with symptoms of mental illnesses such as Depression since I was 9 and as it worsened and I began to realise that something was wrong I decided to keep it entirely to myself, not telling anybody close to me. So, I told my diary.
It allowed me to have a place where I could feel like I wasn't so alone yet there was absolutely no fear of judgement or someone saying the wrong thing and making it worse. In the darkest deepest times of my life when I just needed a friend I felt like I had someone within the pages of this little notebook next to my bed. I don't look back through my old diaries - the contents are extremely dark and I'm not yet ready to look back on what was going through my brain. But I no longer need my diary for this anymore.
While the contents of my diaries used to be my wishing for something to change, wishing to wake up and feel like there's not this cloud over my head or wishing for an extreme way out of my pain, the contents of my diary recently have been the opposite.
I've filled the pages of my diary with tales of University, friends and family, budding relationships, amazing opportunities I've been presented with and more. I'm able to say how happy I am, how amazing life is and how glad I am that I didn't go through with the things my 12 year old self wanted to do.
If only I could go back and tell that girl that no matter what, it WILL get better, no matter how dark and how much it feels like it won't ever change there will be a day where you look back and say 'I'm out of that now. I'm in a much better place.'
If you are reading this and you relate to what I'm saying, please please talk to somebody in your life about it.
I know its difficult, believe me. I waited until I was 14 and my mum came to me saying she thinks there's something wrong and I need help but I should have gone to her two years prior to that when I first began thinking such horrific thoughts. If you're under 18 you can tell a parent, ring and make a doctors appointment, tell a teacher or anything. Trust me, it will get better once you start talking.
It's amazing looking back and realising how far I've come. I've just finished my first year of University where I've made more friends than I knew were possible. I played my first lead role with the Opera Society and I've been able to find a faith that works for me (more on that soon).
I've been able to be happy.
Don't get me wrong there are still some horrible days where life is just so dark, but due to amazing friends and family and a good support system in place I can now face whatever happens and take it easy. The life I'm living now I truly never thought was possible, but I promise you, IT WILL GET BETTER.
All my love <3
IF YOU RELATE TO THE THINGS I'VE MENTIONED HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO PLACES THAT CAN HELP (uk mainly but wherever you are there are people that can help):
SAMARITANS: Suicide Helpline
https://www.samaritans.org/ Or Call: 116 123
NHS 111: Non-emergency Medical Help. MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE JUST AS WORTHY AND DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO CALL FOR MENTAL HEALTH REASONS (i have before)
https://111.nhs.uk/ Or Call: 111
MIND: Mental Health Charity - full of helpful information on anything from classifications to living with a mental health disorder
https://www.mind.org.uk/
I intend to in the future compile a list of helplines, I would appreciate knowing any that have helped you and that might be able to help others.