Christmas and Depression
Christmas is consistently one of the hardest times of the year from me, as a long-term clinical depression sufferer. I love Christmas and it breaks my heart that I struggle so much, but it's something I have come to terms with.
When you suffer from depression every tiny thing can be so difficult; getting out of bed, getting dressed, seeing people. No matter how much you love someone, it can be so hard and draining to be around people when you feel like the world is closing in and everything is going dark.
There are times when I have had to cancel social events or leave gatherings early, not because I want to, but because I have to. It breaks my heart whenever I have to do this, but the people I love most understand that this isn't my choice or fault, and the alternative is me crying, shaking, unable to speak or process anything. While this isn't fun in any moment, being in a crowded room and unable to control myself makes everything worse, for many obvious reasons.
Because of this, Christmas is hard for me. I love Christmas more than anything, the lights, trees, smiles and more make it feel so magical and wonderful. The build up to Christmas over December is always my favourite and it sparks pure joy in me, often making me forget what's probably going to come.
There is an expectation at Christmas to act a certain way. To be happy, to see friends and family, to have a packed schedule, to talk to everyone. However much people say they don't expect this of you, it's always there, an expectation put on by society, media, some peers and personally, myself. I want to be there at every gathering, seeing everyone, spending every moment with those I love. But it's just not possible.
If I push it too far, shoving my depression down to deal with later, it builds and builds until it explodes and through years of therapy I've learnt to let it run its course and take time to feel it, or else it triples with every second I hold it down. Not to say I always manage this, I'm imperfect and still learning, and this leads to days in bed without any hope of achieving anything.
This happens almost every Christmas.
I put pressure on myself to see people and to engage in every Christmassey activity in order to make the most of my personal favourite holiday, forgetting that my mental health doesn't take a holiday when I do. My depression is ALWAYS there, waiting, watching, ready.
On a good Christmas day I'll spend a few hours in bed, on the worst I'll be blinking away tears at every moment, covering it with makeup and having panic attacks in toilets. This is no-ones fault but my own, but it's something I've become aware of - Christmas is hard for me.
It breaks my heart turning down events I desperately want to go to or saying no to family members who I'd love to see, but this year I'm determined to not spend Christmas Day in bed. And this year is harder than any.
2020 has been a year unlike any other and I don't think any of us thought we'd ever live through something like we are. And with mental health, that makes everything that much harder. This year my mental health has took the biggest step back in years and this is frustrating, disheartening and upsetting. However, I just need to be aware that the most wonderful time of the year probably won't be so wonderful, but that's okay.
Because before all else, your health MUST COME FIRST. This year has shown us that more than any I think.
Please, stay safe, WEAR A MASK and look after all your loved ones. Please be careful not to put any pressures on them because this time of year is so difficult for some of us and even if its well meaning it can be incredibly harmful.
Much love
Keely
<3